New answers in old places

As Melissa drove away from the park she pondered the suggestion Sienna had planted for her. The idea of starting a circle with others. Even though she seemed confident in starting one, deep down inside she had absolutely none. Running a circle on her own seemed as if she would run it the same way the men Sienna mentioned would, by acting as if she knew what she was doing when really she didn't. However, if Sienna was the only other sister in the area and if she didn't feel confident in starting a circle, why did she bother moving here?

Melissa drove towards Central Florida Community College, she had looked up directions before leaving her haven, just in case she decided to visit the college on impulse. In both her mortal life and unlife, academics were always her driving force. She started to realize being on her own without a teacher made things a bit more difficult. But then again, that was what her sire pushed her for.

"Melissa, what's the point in absorbing all the knowledge the Mother has to offer you if you choose to remain in one area without ever using it?" she remembered her sire saying.

Melissa parked her car in one of the guest lots on the campus. Walking up to the nearest building, she entered the first door to look at the bulletin board for any job postings. She knew Mr. Masters had voiced his disapproval of the matter, but perhaps if anything she could find just a nightly volunteer position. Instead of finding a job posting, what caught her eye instead was a flier that said, "Transpanel:An open discussion the Transgender community. Located in the Klein Conference Center."

She realized that the posted date was tonight, it had already started but she had about an hour of it left to go. After looking for the building on the map, she got back in her car and drove closer to the conference center.

Walking inside, she saw signs that led to the room the panel was being held and peaked inside the window before walking in. The room was already full, some students were forced to stand. Melissa gently pulled the handle to the door and tiptoed inside before sneaking in the corner to hide in the shadows. One man was already speaking. He was dressed in a button up shirt and tie. His mustache and goatee were finely trimmed and his hair was cropped short almost the same way as Melissa's.

"...and that was perhaps the hardest thing for me during my hormone treatment. I was already tall and I was starting to grow facial hair, but people still saw me as a woman. I was in a pretty liberal part of the city, but that didn't matter. People still felt the need to be cruel. But I knew it was only temporary and that eventually, it was leading to me becoming whole so I stuck in there and since completing my change, I don't feel anxious about walking down the streets in public anymore."

He sat down and everyone in the room clapped. Sitting next to him was another woman, dressed in a long skirt and button up jacket. Her hair was pulled back into a bun and Melissa guessed that she had to be in her 50s.

"My name is Polly. I suppose I knew that I was a woman probably when I was six. I think if I were to sum up the whole thing, a good portion of what stayed with me during this time was fear. I didn't dare tell my parents. I mean, the idea of having a discussion like this and having people openly talk about it was unheard of back when I started. But I still wanted to be a woman and it just didn't feel right being a man. You know and I tried so many things during that time before deciding that I wanted to go through the physical changes. I thought, I could identify as being a woman inside a man's body and that worked for me for several years. I was fine with it and the other group of friends i had supported me. But then, after a while, I got tired of it and wanted a different experience and so I wanted to get hormonal treatment and do all of that. And boy, was it fun." she said with a smile, emitting laughter from everyone in the room. "I mean, your first time experiencing puberty is a horrible experience because you don't know what's happening. But if you're lucky enough to get it again, well it's the most exciting thing ever. So when I completed my change, I felt fine again and enjoyed this new body. But remember, I still lived with fear also. During my hormonal treatment there was always a fear of getting walked in on, or getting into a car accident and being afraid that if EMT's cut open my clothes to treat me, they'd see that I had male genitalia even though I was transitioning into being a woman. But then I got through that and was happy, but I got bored with this too. I still wanted more and so when I was asked if I wanted to speak for this panel tonight, I was afraid at first because I've never done something like this before. But then I thought, well, after doing almost everything else maybe this is the next step. Like I said, an open discussion on the Transgender community didn't exist when I was around and had it been i think things may have been different. It wouldn't have been easier, because when you have a realiziation like that, it's never easy. Things aren't easy now, even though we have you here learning about us, there's still a lot of misinformation because people don't realize how complex it is. In explaining an experience that is so complex, I had to set aside the fear that I think many of us live with and hopefully if people continue sharing their experiences, we can change the way fear rules our lives."

As Polly sat down, Melissa snuck out the back doors and walked back to her car, with a smile on her face. She remembered the time when the Transgendered community was more secretive than it was now. She didn't think of the change until Polly mentioned it. Melissa let the idea of change resonate in her mind. Her embrace was on the basis that she could make a better change for women. She didn't know that it meant leaving behind her mortal life but when she discovered the teachings of the Mother, she saw many more possibilities open to women. There were no absolutes in the circle, it was all a gray area and that's what she liked most about it. If it wasn't black or white with the philosophy of the Mother, then maybe it wasn't black or white in starting a circle either. She still felt unsure about the idea, but after hearing Polly speak, she felt less ambivalent about it. She would let whatever happened, happen organically, which was probably what Sienna was referring to also. She didn't want Melissa to just up and practice on her own. Melissa would anyway out of curiosity as she'd never tried it before, but that didn't mean she couldn't abandon her old ways of practicing either.

As she drove home, Melissa tried not to laugh but couldn't help it and giggled to herself. She left the university in her mortal life to learn how to make changes, and here she was trying to go back again. Still, it was better that she realized it tonight rather than finding out later after getting hired and exposing the Masquerade.